Meray guftagu mein khush-amdeed

2010-02-12T13:34:00.006+05:00

It had been days since I had last met her. Sometimes I would try to follow her through busy markets, getting glimpses of her without her noticing. But I would notice. I would notice that black wavy hair melting around a face with a smile that could hypnotize any mind. I would notice her habit of being in this world one moment and in some other in the next. Lost maybe despite such a crowd of people to some other time and space. Maybe she knew I was looking. Maybe she wished I was looking.

So many nights gone by since we last sat on the flight of stairs out side my house, facing uphill towards the towering mountains right below a dotted sky. So many words gone by since I had told her that I loved her and she had held me tight. I would stare into those deep dark eyes as they would gaze up at the stars. She would tell me about the constellations and the tales they told. She would tell me how she wanted to live in the stars and I would tell her she was mad. She wanted to be an astronomer, and I told her she was already all the stars in the sky.

Yet, so many days since she had been able to sneak out of her bedroom window at night and run across our little town on this hillside. Her mother was the thorn. Ever since that unfortunate day, for better or for worse, her mother had yelled her lungs out and threatened me to never return or visit her daughter again. And now, ever since her aunt had moved into her room and she into her mothers, it became impossible to carry out her little escapades at night.

There was a chill that night as I sat alone on the top step outside my door. The street a little below was foggy, illuminated only by the hint of a distant street lamp. None of the starts shone themselves tonight. No, not one, yet the moon stood bright. Full, but slowly descending into the wrap of the mountains ahead. Yes, it seemed like a very lonely night with only my aching longing for her to accompany me. However things are rarely ever what they seem. Besides the sounds you usually heard on such ghostly nights I captured the sound of faint footsteps. Light in their weight yet a steady brisk pace in manner. They grew closer untill they eventually stopped. I looked over my shoulder and down at the pavement over the side of the staircase and saw her standing, looking up at me with that smile that could melt me even in this cold. She came up and sat beside me, and we talked once again with not even the stars to disturb us now. She told me her mother and aunt had gone to the town fair, and she had herself stayed back with the excuse of feeling sick. In any case it didnt matter how she was here, but that she was beside me at all.

We talked for what seemed like lifetimes and yet not enough before it was time she got up to leave. Barely an hour maybe, but she had to make it back home in time. She gave me one last kiss on the cheek and glided herself down the stairs trotting back into the fog in the direction she came from. I got up and watched her disappear into the darkness, dreading how the darkness hid my daughter away from me once again.

Stickers

2009-01-12T00:38:00.016+05:00

I'm Lost

Cold. Don't have the keys to go home. My cellphone is out of battery. The late December day has cuddled tightly into the blanket of a winter night.

I wish I was lost

Its not the same when every turn of the way you keep guessing. Unsure around every corner yet you trust unpredictably. You've chosen uncertainty. Live with it. Maybe its the directions given but in that shear sense of loneliness memories guide you ahead.

"Sir, Chicken Qorma, Shawarma, Tikka boti.."

"Nahi. Shukria" (No Thankyou)

I wasn't alone either. Spatulas tapped away as cooking oil sizzled. Cars squeezed into impossible spaces. Plastic chairs lifted up the weight of kilos of Karhai in the stomachs of hefty sum pounds of human. An instant growl from a mouthful of nan/salan celebrating the joy of a wicked pun at one corner and then the quick narration of a newly placed order projected across the streets bustling aura to be received into the ear of a chef still absorbed in the cooking of the last.

They were around here somewhere.

There are always numerous annotations to a vague statement. They leave you to wander if you are the slightest bit concerned, and then to dazzle in the mesmerizing entanglement of what very possibly could be nothing. Yet it is the absence of anything, that worries me.

Wander a bit.

Sometimes... Mostly, things aren't what they seem like. Years of leaves falling from trees whose roots clawed in soil for strength would carpet the surface giving it thorns and an infestation of insects. A short walk, and I found a friend out to find me. In the hussle of unsuccessfully getting my phone to work again, I walked right past him without realizing he was there.

"Ab Mujhe pehchano ge bhi nahi?" (You wont even recognize me now?)

"Now why would I do that with the situation I'm stuck in?"

I laughed and wrapped an arm around him. Traditional gesture. I play along?

"Bus Theek Hai Phir." (Alright then)

Humorous sarcasm tends to work both ways.

He led me to the end of the street where on those very plastic chairs three more friends had already dived their appetites into a pan of Karhai. I shook all their hands, or any convenient way of symbolizing so given their right hand fingertips had been dipped in gravy. Hospitably they all searched around for an empty chair. I spotted one on a table to the other side and went by to ask if it was taken.

"Le Ja" (Take it away)

He wasn't being rude. No. Merely he was engrossed in conversation. Probably I was rude to interrupt. I took the chair back to the table my friends where seated at, pulling it over ones head considering the lack of space, and placed it at an empty spot. They continued their conversation, and I sat silently. Wonder if that was rude too. However my head was no where near being an empty spot it had just filled. Pausing from normal conversation a friend sitting across the table, still with his head down but eyes pointed at me, asks

"Kahan gum ho" (Where are you lost)

"Kahin Nahi" (No where)

---

Unconvinced, he returned to his food, and all of them to their conversation. Funny thing is that now, a month later, no matter how hard I try I can't recall what the conversation was about. Further, I can't seem to remember what was on my mind. That seat might as well have been an empty spot. Physically speaking I might have been there. Similarly in the fourth dimension of time as well I existed. However consider a fifth dimension in the existence of consciousness, then I'd be in a wholly different realm altogether. Indulge yourself for a bit in believing yourself to live beyond known physical parameters. Such that you as an entity, as a soul, thrived before your heart started beating three months down your worldly mothers pregnancy, and will continue so after whichever physical form you are left in, may it be ashes or corpse, blending with nature and its air and dust. Understand then that you travel in this fifth dimension whose essence is the mind, rather than the brain pertaining to all physical states. I did not lie then. Mentally I was no where.

I did however have a matter to deal with. Turning to my friend on my right, the same one who had found me,

"Phone dena" (Give me your phone)

Pause

"Bus pakerne ke liyay manga tha?" (So did you take my phone just to hold it?)

"Nahi, behn ka number nahi yaad araha" (Na, I can't remember my sisters number)

"Bahut achay Ahmad! koi haal nahi hai tera" (Amazing Ahmad! You're hopeless)

That was something he says to me very often infact. Rather to any act of stupidity around him. Many times rightly aimed at himself. The irony is he has a smile on his face everytime he says it. Nonetheless he was wrong, I did have hope. I dialed another number.

"Hey"

---

This dimension is called technology. A fiefdom in its own right. I once attended a lecture given by a classical vocalist where he explained a talent of his masters. So wholesome in their art they were that not only did they sing beautifully, their song resonated out far and wide. I think of men, who could bring strict silence into rough shores of noise. Not silencing the activity around them but encroaching upon its domain and overpowering sound by superior sound itself. Its freedom from reliance, but for a listener, its breathing in and absorbing from the tips of veins that blood circulates through till it entrances you and conquers you.

"Bye"

---

The voice was gone. For now at least. In spite of all the sound vibrations a street side has to offer, that voice was the only sound I could absorb. A sound that could entrance me even if I never knew what it meant. And it meant a lot to me.

As we sat there, a generally meaningless amount of time went by. I contacted my sister, the matter was taken care of. More Nans had been ordered because we expected another friend of ours to arrive. I had nibbled on some myself. That's when a little kid trotted our and from behind my seat holding a sort of booklet high in the air announced,

"Gayrionkestickersjahazonkestickersharkisamkestickersjahanbhilagainapnemarziselagainphalonke stickersphoolonkestickers..."

Now all five of us were silent. He had in fact raced through the words as if time wasted in saying what he had to would lead to some enormous catastrophe involving all the stars dropping down unto earth. Two had their mouths full of food but their jaws had stopped chewing. I looked over my shoulder. The kid was holding a large stack of booklets in his other hand, had a dark red sweater on and had small ruffled hair. He had to be around the age of ten. A few of us collectively queried

"Kia" (What?)

He took in a deep breath as if reeling himself up again and repeated

"Gayrionkestickersjahazonkestickersharkisamkestickersjahanbhilagainapnemarziselagainphalonke stickersphoolonkestickers..." (Carstickersairplanestickerssticketsofeverykindyoucanputthemanywhereputthemwhereeveryouwantstickersoffruitsstickersofflowers...)

This time around, less in shock, we replied

"Hamein Kuch nahi samajh arahi" (We cant understand anything)

"Kuch bechna chah rahay ho?" (Do you want to sell something?)

"Teharker, Aram Aram se bolo" ( Stop, and talk calmy)

To these comments he set off on another tirade, but one a little more distinguisable from the previous

"je-mein-iss-he-tarah-bolta-hon-khuda-har-banday-ko-mukhtalif-banata-hai-tu-is-he-tarhan-mujhay-bhi-mukhtalif-banaya-hai-mein-us-he-tarhan-boloo-ga-jis-tarhan-bol-sakta-hoo.." (This-is-the-way-I-talk-God-makes-every-man-different-so-in-the-same-way-he-has-made-me-different-too-I-will-speak-the-way-I-can-speak..)

So convinient to blame everything outright on God isn't it? Yet what he said made me smile. A friend laughed. Another tried to reason

"Dekho, agar tum araam se bolo ge tu logoon ko samajh aye ge keh kiya kehna chah rahay ho aur tumhary maqsad pura hoga. Is tarhan bolne ka koi faida nahi hai" (Look, if you talk calmly then people would understand what you are trying to say and you'll get your point across aswell. There's no use of talking like this)

His efforts how ever only lead to another outburst at which he grabbed his head in exagerated frustration. Somehow in these events the kid had moved from behind my right shoulder to a position more on my left. A friend sitting across the table, noticing something interesting in the kid as he later stated, asked

"Khana khao ge?" (Will you eat food?)

The kid, still standing. Nodded in the negative but there was either certain signs of shyness or a sense of unsurety in his nod. I looked into the pan. There was some chicken left. I noticed the Nan we had ordered was on the table in a plate and warm. I turned towards the kid

"Koi masla nahi hai. Khana bacha hua hai, kha lo" (Its no problem. There is food left over,you can eat it)

The others chipped in their bit of insistance. We managed to pull up another chair from nearby and placed it at the table. Soon, still hesitant and glancing around, he was convinced and sat at our table. In this issue he was rather silent.

"Jo Khana hai khao" (Eat whatever you want to)

"Sab kha lo, koi masla nahi hai" (Eat all of it, koi masla nahi hai)

We placed the food infront of him.

My DreamCancer

2008-06-22T13:24:00.003+06:00

I've been dreaming

I've had many dreams.

You're in my dream...

I've seen many people in my dreams

I'm dreaming right now....

Does that mean.. I'm not real?

You're as real as it gets.

Whats happening?

Sometimes, dreams invade reality.

The Paradox

2008-01-29T12:24:00.000+05:00

Ive discovered a paradox!

I call it: "PARADOX OF THE INFINITE"!

*dramatic music!*

*moves to edge of seat*

...dropped some popcorn?

lol.

OH!

Okay I'm supposed to keep on going.

Yes well.

See, anything having the characteristic of being infinite provides a vastness, an expanse.

Right?

Yes

And that is exactly where the paradox comes in! Because being infinite in nature, it is actually putting a limitation/restriction.

As you will never reach its extent, you will always be confined. The objective of perfection or being complete would never be achieved.

Ah but you see, the 'confine' is something that only exists for the observer.

Anything that is infinite, is limitless and can't be confined.

And since it is infinite, it can't be wholly observed and hence can't be proved.

Exactly, thats the paradox. In all its limitlessness, its limiting.

It is limiting, but not limited itself.

So it's not a paradox.

I don't get why its not a paradox if its contradictory.

Because it is NOT contradictory.

It is limitless, which is an internal characteristic i.e. an intrinsic property.

And it is limiting, which is an external characteristic. Extrinsic.

It is limiting BECAUSE it is limitless.

Okay. How about that the outward characteristic of anything being infinite gives freedom/opportunity.

That makes both extrinsic properties contradict each other.

There is no definition to what the implications of an external characteristic of infiniteness should be.

Just conditioned expectations

"3. An assertion that is essentially self-contradictory, though based on a valid deduction from acceptable premises. 4. A statement contrary to received opinion."

A paradox can be defined as the above.

Since it states opinion and expectations as one of the essence of a paradox. Infinity can be referred to as a paradox along perceived lines.

That's such a liberal definition of a paradox.

Smarter child does not give his own definition, it merely quotes (from the American Heritage® Dictionary).

"Paradox Par`a*dox, n.; pl. Paradoxes. [F. paradoxe, L.
paradoxum, fr. Gr. ?; ? beside, beyond, contrary to + ? to
think, suppose, imagine. See Para-, and Dogma.]
A tenet or proposition contrary to received opinion; an
assertion or sentiment seemingly contradictory, or opposed to
common sense; that which in appearance or terms is absurd,
but yet may be true in fact."

-- From Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary (1913)

Websters says it's contrary to received opinion too.

In that case, it may be a paradox but it definitely isn't on stricter terms.

But for the common man, common terms would be enough.

The Law

2007-12-27T16:35:00.000+05:00

Talkative mood?

Yea sure.
Just listening to songs and well, talking.

This is about religion
Islam in particular
Is god an absolute authority?

He is in absolute power. and with power would come authority. no?

So his word is the law?
And he bows to no law?

Well see, its kind of an inter-relation.
If you believe that there is a God with supreme authority..that Authority would need its subjects.
Since the subjects are under the authority they need to abide by it.
In the case of humans free will is given. Why is it given? I cant say and is another matter.
But this viewpoint isnt really directly from the Quran. Its more like Ibne Sina's interpretation of Aristotles metaphysics, and then how he related it to Islam. I haven't completely read up on it

But is god bound by his own laws?

He is.
In the way that he set out his own promises
and stated that he cant back up on his own word

But what holds him to his word?

The fact that he is God .
unaffected by desire or lust
both of which most commonly lead to a derailment from an objective

So what if there happens to be a conflict of ideals, and he has to break one of his own laws
Hypothetical situation
If he has to, will he be able to break his own laws?

Well i would say that there are laws with their own different levels of significance by which He would go by but on top, I would suppose there is just one law.
Justice
and around that ..all the other laws revolve

Exactly.
That is what I was waiting for
Justice

Letting out.

2007-12-23T03:32:00.000+05:00

hey.

hey

sup?

Lots.

for once eh?

not the usually nothing much or the ..the usual

lol

are you free to think about something right now?

sort of

would you rather be -blunt and straight forward- or -selfless and mean it-?

former

acha?

i just wasnt sometime ago.

but i thought, that if i would be blunt, something that you like so much currently, could either last forever or end very awkwardly

but if i was, lets say more

honest, selfless ..

i could, knowing my capabilties, bear not knowing exactly, but having the strongest trust in someone either way

i trust people

too easily

i'm also very forgiving

but you betray my trust just once

and i can turn into a mean selfish destructive monster

but while the trust lasts. Is it worth not knowing the truth?

in a way

yes

in a way?

what way?

sometimes not knowing is better

So what extent would you be willing to go to with not knowing

would you take it for granted?

would you love despite it?

it depends

if there is an itch

an itch regarding trust

i'd still love but i'd want to know

nah dude... no itch at all

then i wouldn't bother at all

family fools

khekhekhe

self pwnage

lol..what?

my friend mistyped family fools

instead of family friends

in a blog which the said family friends can read

he claims he mistyped it

friends..fools...friends ..fools ..friends...fools..

i dont see the connection

meh nvm

haha dude blogs can suck

but sometimes i guess they can kick ass too.

when you want to let things out. And no one to stop you while your at it

2007-12-21T01:43:00.000+05:00

Hello

Why are you doing this?

Is that your reply? You do not need a reply from me. Respects should be given. A value should not be compromised. Our morals mean more than anything. But why here, you know we're not alone. I know that perfectly.

You insanity is being let out. Secrets have been kept in me. But your letting out what you never have. Nah, I'm merely entrusting it with someone, besides only one more will find out. But why is this necessary? Because some things need to be let out. But you've never before, Why now? Why it? Her. Not it. We made it clear she would not be made one of them.

Whats so special? I don't know. You don't know? I think i don't know. Well, you don't know. How can you say that? Because if you did, one of us would know. Alright, I don't know and thats whats been clouding me. It has, whats this about? You know who its about. You said the same thing about the songs. And they were.

So what happened there? It'll take time Im not sure i have. Talk to the sky king about time. The sky king shouldn't be involved. Why not. I wouldn't think so. You think? Therefore I am.

Who are you? In the past 24 hours? Sure, for the time being. Ive been a star. A star? A shooting star! You mean a comet. I've saw the depths of the universe, and I climbed all the heights. And what did you find? My eyes closed. Or it was dark? And I felt there was nothing. Oh but there was. And I was nothing. But you were somewhere. I wasn't there.

Without yourself, what were you? I was alone. You're barely ever alone. I was alone. You probably got lost. When I'm alone, I don't know. It scares you when you don't know. What worries me is if I should know. Obviously she wants someone to know. But shes getting nothing out of it. Your Starting to feel cold.

People don't put themselves in pain for no reason. You shouldn't worry. WHY THE HELL NOT. When have I not worried?

You'll have to dance. I don't care if i have to dance. It doesn't really depend on you. I want to know. But you don't have to answer something you don't want to either. So, sure.

Did you let it know? I think I have.

I wonder what shes been thinking

A Taxi Drivers Stand

2007-12-08T15:36:00.000+05:00

Its a big road, but not much population around. Had to wait before I could see a Taxi cross by. And when a few did, they were already full. Walking ahead a bit, I waved my hand out to an empty one.

'How much are you going to take till Clifton park? '

'100. '

'Its not that far. How about 80?'

'We'll see. Sit'

So I sat.

I could have caught a bus. Would have taken just around 14 Rs.

It was early June 2007. Not long after May 12, the day some areas of Karachi turned violent with street gun battles at the arrival of the -on trial- Cheif Justice Iftekhar Chaudhry of the supreme court and a major MQM rally the same day.

I like conversation.

'So you must travel to all parts of the city, here everything is usually calm. Whats the situation in other places?'

'Its pretty much like they're two groups now. Its very tense. There are some who support Altaf Hussein (Leader of the MQM) and then there are those who support Imran Khan'

Imran Khan. A Cricketer turned politician, he had been strictly critical of the MQM and vowed to take legal action against the party for carrying out the violence on May 12. He supports the Chief Justice in his bid to regain his seat, making it very dangerous for himself to come to Karachi.

Funny. This was the first time I'd heard someone mention Imran Khan as someone with large public support for his politics. His party has only one seat in the National Assembly, and that of Imran Khan himself. Maybe I shouldn't be surprised, the driver looked pathan, just like Imran Khan himself.

'Really? Imran Khan?'

'People are getting tired of Altaf Hussein. They're beginning to rise up against him. Hes an evil man, he sits in his nice house in England, while his own party workers and others die here'

'Then why the mass support. I saw his rally on TV, and he did get quite a gathering'

'Those people are all poor. They're bribed. They were offerng 1500 rupees for every person who showed up.'

I had heard that before, and not only about MQM rallies.

'That is how the MQM works. They pay people who are jobless and poor to do their dirty deeds. People are offered money in the hundred thousands to murder someone on their behalf. I was offered 200,000. I didnt take it. Why should I murder a man I don't know?'

I agreed, pushing him to continue.

'They told me hes a very bad man, and has done lots of wrong things. I asked them if hes so bad why don't you kill him yourselves? Nah, I cant kill a man, even if he has done something wrong, I'm killing the bread earner of a family. What if he has a sick mother. If I kill him, his wife and kids could be left with no means of sustenance. There are so many reasons I cant commit murder no matter how much they give me.'

He looked pessimistic. Or maybe it was pity.

'Everyones giving bribes these days. If they are, I cant trust them. Once i picked up a woman from Malir and as soon as we were about to get going two guys on a motor cycle came up to me. They told me that women is a whore, and that I should kick her out of my taxi. She pleaded to let her stay in the taxi and that she wasn't a whore. Then they offered me cash to tell her to get out of my taxi. I told them "it doesn't matter to me what she is. All I know is she is my customer and she came into my taxi. That means I'm going to drop her where she tells me to" and with that I drove away.
'Anyway, then I asked the woman why these men were after her. She told me that her husband was murdered recently, and she had come here to take his savings out of a bank. She said these men knew about the money and were after it. This money was all her family had to live on. I felt really sorry for her.
'Once we got to her house, she told me to stay outside till she went in and had locked the door. She was afraid those men might come again and attack her.'

By now I'm sure he was expressing sorrow

'You did the right thing. You had nothing to do with whatever she was'

And with that, the silence.

'Here's the park'

'Yea, just go ahead a bit and drop me on the left.'

When he stopped the car, I gave him the hundred he had asked for earlier and telling him to take care of himself I got off.

The park had a historical terrace, with some Mughal architecture. The Emperor Jehangir used to come here and look into the Arabian sea. His empire was growing. What was he thinking?

As the sun was setting, the limestone gave a glow. People from far off in the city come here now and relax in the grounds. Their city is getting dangerous. What are they thinking?

Wake Up

2007-12-08T01:27:00.000+05:00

*Blink* *blink*

The sand blows out of my hand.
It goes beyond my reach
And it spreads beyond my abilities to recollect.

wake up

Standing up, I look for something.
What am I looking for?

*Pigeons rumble on my bedroom window air conditioner*

WAKE UP

*Rubbing my eyes*

What am I looking for?

I've woken up. I'm far from what I was looking for.

Tock tick

2007-12-07T02:29:00.000+05:00

2:30 AM

fg d dfg zdre h eztjtjyr t tah et rheth eth th trh rt t e ergre he h t h h r e iu iu hweupghpriu wpurw h p wp h p pwhpfhpwhpfhpwfhpw pphfpwh pwh phf

Tick tock

2007-12-06T12:31:00.000+05:00

12:41